Something Clever and InconsisTent

Cocoa Roast Almonds

2011-04-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

First, chocolate caresses your tongue, sliding languidly around your quivering taste buds. Your saliva glands are at rapt attention, lavishing cocoa seduction with ablutions that seek to tame toe curling pleasure.

A snap and crunch releases roasted almond delight that surges up to meet chocolate heaven and the two flavors tango. In your hot, moist mouth.

This is how I feel about chocolate coated almonds. Oh, my palms sweat just a bit at the thought of chocolate almonds.

Chocolate covered almonds: 30 grams (about 1 ounce) has 160 calories, 12g fat (almost half??) 13g carbs, 2g fiber, 3g protein.

Sigh. That means one ounce per serving of carbs. Do you know how many pieces are in one ounce of chocolaty almond goodness? Eleven. As is, Ocean's. Meaning, not oceans of roasted almond and chocolate splendor.

Enter Emerald's Cocoa Roast Almonds. 1 ounce has 150 calories, 13g fat, 6g carbs, 6g protein. What's that?? Chocolate almonds with half the carbs per ounce??? Sure, the chocolate is not so smooth. It's present more in the aroma and in a titillatingly swift burst of flavor that leaves the party early. But not before leaving its phone number and some lipstick on a napkin.

This little snack may even replace my soysauce and wasabi almonds by Blue Diamond. Maybe.

One of those things they don't tell you in parenting class

2010-11-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

What did you know about kids before you had kids? If you don't have kids, lemme tell you now that everything you think you know about babies, kids, and parents will undergo rigorous review almost every day you experience parenthood. The days where review does not occur are when you've collapsed in an incomprehensible slump from the last episode of Blue's Clues you will ever endure so help you Barney.

For instance: have you heard about irritability in babies and children? Sure. What likely causes of this legendary irritability come to mind? Teething, fever, hunger, pain. Has anyone yet told you to check a baby's fingers and toes to make sure that a hair hasn't wrapped itself too tightly, causing blood restriction and pain? I couldn't figure out my first baby's pain one night and just happened to glance at her fingernail, under which was lodged a foreign object of indeterminate nature and origin. Its removal calmed her immediately and peace was has by all. I was stunned and grateful, and a little irritated that something so small could deprive us of hours of tranquility.

Here's another cause for you that "they" might not have mentioned: earwax. The first time I became aware of this one was when my oldest daughter complained of ear pain at about 3 years old. She had no fever or other signs of illness. I took her to the doctor after a few days of persistent discomfort only to find that her ear was housing the most enormous chunk of wax I could even imagine coming out of her tiny canals. Once again, removal of the foreign object gave instant relief. Or was it a domestic object? It doesn't matter.

Since then, my son has beaten her contribution to the H Family book of records in the ear wax department, usually after an hour of irrigation and a gallon of peroxide-laced water. Imagine how I felt when I found this: Lighted Ear Wax Remover. It works sort of like those little LED Christmas trees, giving light the entire length of the tool. No more holding a flashlight in my teeth while I try to both assess and extract the object of not only my ire, but the ire of a rapidly expanding radius of neighbors trying to get some sleep while my son grumbles at 100 decibels. He thinks his ears hurt? Heh. Heheh.

After getting this in the mail, I was able to quickly and easily extract another astounding offering while Son only reached about 90 decibels (which is a normal conversational tone for him -- a train whistle reaches 90dB), as well as one small earolith that appears to have fossilized over a period of several months. I did have to sand the tool a bit since it has some factory sharp edges from the mold, and the construction itself is a bit on the cheap side. But guess what: I don't care! A tool that takes ear cleaning down to minutes from hours for under $2? They could be frickin' disposable at that price and I'd still shout some hallelujahs.

(link and picture in the carousel to the left. hit the down arrow until you see the relevant picture.)

Body wash

2010-11-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

Now that the secret of how much I appreciate the addictiveness of bubble wrap is out (serious, what is it? The sharp timbre that makes me feel alive? The endorphin delivery every time I feel a pop between my fingers? The opportunity to destroy something guilt-free? The challenge of that one pop in thirty that's just a bit under inflated and therefore extra stubborn? We may never know...), I have to confess also that my favorite body wash is Softsoap Moisturizing Body Wash - Pomegranate & Mango.

It has something in it called moisture beads. Each shower begins with the ritual popping of the moisture beads. I put some on a washcloth and reverently hunt down and pop every last one of those little guys whilst enjoying the bright but not overwhelming fruity fragrance. I have some fragrance sensitivity, but this is one of the very few soaps that doesn't give me a headache or runny nose mere minutes after exposure.

Weird? Oh, yes. Compulsive? I'm sure I could stop if I wanted to. Ahem. Great body wash? Sure. Would I use it even if it didn't have moisture beads in it? .... Why are you asking me these dumb questions?

Feed the fish

2010-11-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

You don't even need tuppence. The fish at the top of the page are hungry. They smell food on the cursor and follow it around, so click on or near the fish to feed them. It's almost as satisfying as bubble wrap.

Bwahahaha! Just kidding. Nothing's as satisfying as bubble wrap.

Weekend reading

2010-11-13T11:33:00.000-08:00

In an effort to understand and work with the people with whom I live, I'm currently reading Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and The Parenting Breakthrough.

I read Mars/Venus quite some time ago and thought it made a lot of sense. This time through it's making me mad. It has a lot of anti-feminism undertones that just rub me the wrong way. The author comes across as some sort of male apologist who's trying to coax volatile yet delicate females into getting along with their mates.

"To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman's feelings to always be rational and logical." (Mars/Venus, page 37)

I understand that when he says feelings can't always be rational and logical that he is NOT saying that they never are. That first sentence is the one that gets to me. Perhaps it's an irrational feeling of irk that cannot make logical sense because life has me by the nads and I'm incapable, due to my female nature, of calming down and making complete sense. Jerk.

The Parenting Breakthrough is a really great book though. The author is funny and visual, laughs at herself and has a lot of very practical solutions to teaching children that have astounded me. I didn't know how to be a mother or even a babysitter when I brought home my first beautiful, impossibly tiny and delicate baby. I didn't know what to do about kids or babies or homemaking or finances. I was so afraid of finances that I just spent as little money as possible when I got out on my own. It kept me out of debt, but money didn't do me any favors either. I'm learning more about how to be a practical adult from this book than any other book I've read. Have you ever heard of something called E-Trade or Ameritrade? The stock market has long been one blurry mystery to me, something that accountants and rich people who employ accountants know about and something you need $1 million to even begin to play with. The author talked about buying a small online trading account for her teenager to give him a feel for what stock markets are like. What??

Obviously I'm getting more out of one book than the other and I switch between them as I get too irritated to keep reading with interest (Mars/Venus) or too overwhelmed by what I don't even know about myself (Breakthrough) like interior decorating as a means of teaching, life plans, and investment banking.

I feel too tired to roll up my sleeves right now. I feel like I don't have the strength to do much of anything besides get food on the table once a day and churn out homework and tests like a cross eyed pasta machine. Similes that don't make sense? Largely inexplicable irritability? At least one hot bath a day to scorch some endorphins into my screaming mind? Dragging myself through exercise only to want a nap right afterward? Check, check, check, double check.

And now I must go grocery shopping. Work on the van plus getting Man into one last college that only requires that he take one class and transfer his 250+ credits in before FINALLY getting a Bachelor's degree (which may actually turn out to be a double or triple major, thanks to the military) means beans and rice for a week or two, but really, it doesn't get much better than a good pot of beans and basmati rice. I thank God for times when I can really enjoy simple things.